there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
