omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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