Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
