last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
