I accidentally had phone sex last night
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
