I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
