Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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