There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Your cock deserves a montage
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
