I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
