I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
