I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
