I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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