I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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