The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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