I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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