sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
