I feel great
I just peed on a car
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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