Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
