i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
