Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
