I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
