I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
