If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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