my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
