hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
