We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
