My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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