One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
