just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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