i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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