just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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