while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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