"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize