what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
