TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
