Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
