last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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