We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
