like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
