I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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