We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
