god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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