I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
