just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
