I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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