i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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