A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
