So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
