I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
