new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
last night I used snow as a chaser
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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