His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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