All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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