A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
