Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
