All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize