im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She's the barista slut.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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