My liver just broke up with me...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
