This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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